Shut up

So many emotions boil under the cool surface...
But do you care even if I burn...
It's just love that I want to profess...
It's not the time when you ought to be stern...
All I have left is just a few more moments...
I'll keep mum and let them pass...
After all I'm not the kind that torments...
I'll keep you close and wont be crass...
If it hurts me...
You'll never know...
It may kill me...
But I'll never show....
I'll do what I do best...
I'll shut my mouth and not utter a word...
I can rest assure that I'm not a pest...
But I'll walk away on my own accord......
I'll act like I have a life that I can get back to...
And I'll tell myself that I love you true...
But I'll wish you well, yes that's what I'll do...
Even if that leaves me forever blue...

The glass wall

I can see who you are...

I can hear what you say....

I know you're right there...

I think you're going to stay...

I feel what you feel...

I sense what you hide...

I know only time can heal...

Your hurt ego and lost pride....

Looks like you won't say a thing...

Looks like you don't care at all...

I'm in no mood to dance and sing...

I keep hitting your glass wall...

You keep saying you're a mystery....

Is that how you want this to be?

I keep guessing your history....

And you keep playing with me...

You touch me like I mean a lot....

And push me like I'm dirt...

I want to run away but it's just a thought....

It's also too early to take such hurt....

Especially when there's no future....

You'll go places and I'll stay here....

Writhing in the pain of every suture...

In my heart and every wasted tear...

You still want to be unknown...

And remain in your comfort zone...

Take some risks, now you're grown...

Express yourself, or remain alone...

People enter our life for a reason...

Some stay for long...

And some just for a season...

Each one sings a different song...

Each one brings out a different side...

Only keep the ones that matter the most...

But at least enjoy with me this brilliant ride....

Or make me a memory ghost...

I'll go away like you were nothing....

But remember you meant much more...

All you had to do was something...

Something to help me from being sore....

Break this glass hindrance....

Let me feel you for real....

All I need is an entrance....

Behind me the locks you can seal....

Don't let this glass wall ruin what we can build...

Don't let this die as if it was invisible....

For when you open your eyes and see what you killed...

You'll realize this feeling was irreplaceable...

Karmic breaks:

When I woke up this morning, I thought I had died and come to heaven, but no, I was in Princeton, New Jersey.

Snowflakes over cherry blossoms, long winding roads with houses spaced out evenly at every curve, a palatial house with rooms much bigger than my Manhattan apartment, good food cooked and served for every meal, and conversations that took me on spiritual trips. It was just the beginning of my Spring break with a family friend and I could already see my “Stairway to heaven.”

This was just the fluff, there was more depth to my stay here than anyone had ever predicted. It was a rude shock when I realized what had come over me -- an epiphany. You knew that you had encountered an epiphany when every random experience in your life fit beautifully like a jigsaw puzzle.

I had understood how Karma worked. In simple words, do good to accrue good Karma, and do bad to accrue bad Karma.

Let us consider in this case, Karma equalled money.

Do good = Good Karma = Lot of money = Go on a vacation = Heaven

Do evil = Bad Karma = Lot of debts = Go to prison = Hell

And yes, neither did we burn in hell all our after lives, nor did we strut in heaven forever. We served times – just like we couldn’t spend entire lives in Cancun, or lives after lives in prison.

Life à Good/Bad Karma à Death à Heaven/Hell à Leftover decided next life

If there was excess good Karma, the person could be reborn as a connoisseur of good food, who worked as a food critic for an amazing lifestyle magazine, or could be reborn as someone who never gained weight even after excessive cheese eating and beer drinking. On the other hand, if there was excess bad Karma, the person could be reborn as a short-tempered man in Harlem, or could be a New Yorker – who spent a lot of time on subways – and couldn’t read on route (like yours truly!).

And, about transfers of Karma, transfers were not possible.

Parent Karma ! = Child Karma

This misconception could have been aided by two possibilities.

Case 1: When children felt blessed.

a)    Children’s good Karma = Children’s happiness

b)   Parents’ good Karma = Children’s happiness = Parents’ happiness

Case 2: When children felt cursed.

a)    Children’s bad Karma = Children’s unhappiness

b)   Parents’ bad Karma = Children’s unhappiness = Parents’ unhappiness

So next time a parent said, “You benefit only from my good deeds,” the immediate response must be, “No no no. It happens only because it makes you happy. Thank me because I am the reason for your happiness!”

All these years, mysteries loomed over my head, but now most of my questions were answered – that too rationally. Fate was the name, but Karma was the game!

Though I sounded like an asinine cliché, inside my head I thought, “Oh boy! Finally, my life makes sense. My existence is valid. My good luck is justified. My failures are rational. I had definitely done some good and probably some bad!”  

Fighting benchmarking:

When the mind thinks, “I want this person to be someone they are not,” you know where the thought stemmed from – a love, a life, a lie and a breakup. 

This may sound ridiculous, but this is the reason most relationships, between people who have spent significant amounts of time with someone else, never work out --initially. If you are a computer science graduate, you understand this phenomenon. It is called benchmarking.

The benchmarker story:

The process of benchmarking in relationships involves two questions.

“Would my ex have done the same thing?” and “Was I happier then?” These are the questions that kill the possibility of another romance blossoming. The human mind immortalizes the fading memory of a past love into a set of rules that makes life difficult for the new person who wants a chance. This set of rules is the “standard.”

The act of benchmarking is as good as building a wall around the lonely you and expecting nobody else to come close. When you break up with somebody you love, the biggest lie you believe is that everything was perfect. NO! Nothing was perfect. If it was perfect, why did the other person choose to leave you and move on? You think you gave everything and they broke your heart? Maybe not! Something was lacking in the relationship, but the hindsight comes only to the wise, and that too, after a lot of introspection.

One of the biggest problems is not about being on the other side of the wall, but continuing to hope to meet the right person. How can you meet somebody else if you think of your ex was perfect, you did everything right the last time, and still failed?

The real problem is when you bring people close, but push them away even without realizing that you are benchmarking them. The simple thoughts to counter such an irrational act of benchmarking is “If the other person was so perfect, why aren’t they here?” and, “If this person can give me a chance, why can’t I?”

Every individual is different. They have different assets, and different flaws. Don’t shut them off by benchmarking them. When you benchmark someone, it makes the new person’s assets look menial and the flaws magnified. What if they actually have a perfect balance of what you need?

Just give an honest chance! There is nothing to lose, but everything to gain. We all study from the time we remember that the heart is a muscular organ, then why do we fear heartbreaks? The heart is too strong to really break.

Conclusion: Make an effort to understand this person. They might have the world to give you. And if not, it will still be worth the experience.

The benchmarkee story:

You know that you are the benchmarkee when you feel that everything is perfect, but something is still hindering the next step. It is no fun being check listed against a standard benchmark. It can be frustrating and demeaning.

You go on dates, which are sometimes initiated by the benchmarker, but feel like the other person is not at all interested. This is when thoughts like these occur: “Was it a bad breakup?” and, “Are they still hung up in the past?” or, “Will I ever get a chance?”

All hell breaks loose when the benchmarker accepts that they had a breakup. What follows in the benchmarkee’s mind is whether you can ever be that person for them, and if yes, what you have to do to make it happen. 

It is easy to cut the noose and see how the benchmarker reacts. Truth be said, they might come back or not. It is good to be prepared for anything. If they show any interest whatsoever, pursue it; else let it go down the drain. You don’t want to date a morose moron. And if you do pursue, break every ground rule. Be yourself and let them change the benchmarks to tailor fit you, or let them realize the higher truth – that all individuals are different.

Conclusion: Give an honest chance. Don’t compete and don’t go overboard. They just might not be worth the pain!

Love, money and sex:

I think sex, money, and love share an extremely dangerous relationship.

A thought that occurred to me today, after many days of trying to demystify the concept of love, was if it was possible to fall in love with someone just because of money and sex. And the answer was YES!

If I surveyed other woman in the world, most of them would agree with me. Not because they were loose, but, because the three were interwoven firmly by an invisible thread. The thread that sometimes made a woman’s --occasionally active-- over rational brain –falsely-- believe that she was immoral!  

{

Let us consider a situation.

I went on a date with a guy I am attracted to and, voila, he treated me like a princess. He opened every door for me, took to me for a romantic dinner at a garden restaurant, helped me order the food and the wine, kept me on the hook with an engaging conversation, took me to a pub that played my favorite music, held me close all night, danced with me and, at the end of the eight hour long date, kissed me. He also said that it was the best date in a while, and promised many more. He did not treat me like an object.

He texted me until sunrise and asked me if I wanted to go ice-skating with him. Of course I said yes. He took me out to a restaurant with my favorite cuisine, then for ice-skating, held my hand and tried to teach me to skate, kissed me in front of all the young children in the rink, prevented me from falling face down on the ice, and paid for everything! After the short-lived adrenaline high, he invited me home for tea. And why wouldn't I go?

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Rationale: Money = Opportunities to make women feel special

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The next experience on the agenda was obviously the sex, and it was fantastic.

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Rationale: Making a woman special = Big turn on for women
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He was everything a woman could have ever asked for. The sex was almost always about me – unselfish and unconditional. What the hell, maybe he did not even cringe about my unshaven legs! We kissed for hours and hours before having sex. Though I would have loved to substitute “had sex” for the term “made love,” I didn’t have to say that, this time, for me to believe I was not “sleeping around.” What could be better? We cuddled and cuddled, till undone assignments flashed in front of both our brains. And this was my third date.

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Rationale: Sex = Opportunities to make women feel loved
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Parallel thoughts: I always knew how it worked in the West. Men and women lived through multiple iterations of the above and then experienced what they called, “A bolt out of the clear blue sky,” the cheesy “I love you.”

I also knew how it worked in India. Men and women lived through multiple iterations of the above, but in their heads. The men tried to cast the shadow of their dreams on the women, but most of them in vain. The sex came much later, much after the baby step – the “I love you.”

Two questions crossed my brain.

1.     Why did Indians need to wait to fall in love with the person before having sex with them?

2.     Why did the Westerners need to have sex with the person gazillion times before falling in love with them?

The answer was the same for the both of them – fear. One was the fear of losing respect, and the other, the fear of losing independence.
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I was an Indian in the West. My thoughts were mangled and so were my intentions, but I knew I belonged to none of those categories. Mine was the third category, a hybrid, I neither believed that I couldn't have sex with someone I just got to know, nor believed that I needed to have sex multiple times to fall in love with them. Something that I needed 800 more words to explain.
}

There were three cases:

Case 1: MONEY = SEX = LOVE (typical American case), where the man won her heart, mainly, by paying through his nose.

Case 2: MONEY = LOVE = SEX (rare) and LOVE = MONEY = SEX (typical Indian case), where the man got lucky only when he won her heart, but needed money to take the relationship to the next level.

Case 3: SEX = LOVE = MONEY(common), where the woman considered giving her heart away a mistake, and dumped the man for not having enough money (for a future).

Conclusion: Money and sex balanced the equation, because love was too poor to perform alone.

I always respected prostitutes, but today I respected them more. We “apparently normal” women were no different – we were money-loving creatures after all!