Fighting benchmarking:

When the mind thinks, “I want this person to be someone they are not,” you know where the thought stemmed from – a love, a life, a lie and a breakup. 

This may sound ridiculous, but this is the reason most relationships, between people who have spent significant amounts of time with someone else, never work out --initially. If you are a computer science graduate, you understand this phenomenon. It is called benchmarking.

The benchmarker story:

The process of benchmarking in relationships involves two questions.

“Would my ex have done the same thing?” and “Was I happier then?” These are the questions that kill the possibility of another romance blossoming. The human mind immortalizes the fading memory of a past love into a set of rules that makes life difficult for the new person who wants a chance. This set of rules is the “standard.”

The act of benchmarking is as good as building a wall around the lonely you and expecting nobody else to come close. When you break up with somebody you love, the biggest lie you believe is that everything was perfect. NO! Nothing was perfect. If it was perfect, why did the other person choose to leave you and move on? You think you gave everything and they broke your heart? Maybe not! Something was lacking in the relationship, but the hindsight comes only to the wise, and that too, after a lot of introspection.

One of the biggest problems is not about being on the other side of the wall, but continuing to hope to meet the right person. How can you meet somebody else if you think of your ex was perfect, you did everything right the last time, and still failed?

The real problem is when you bring people close, but push them away even without realizing that you are benchmarking them. The simple thoughts to counter such an irrational act of benchmarking is “If the other person was so perfect, why aren’t they here?” and, “If this person can give me a chance, why can’t I?”

Every individual is different. They have different assets, and different flaws. Don’t shut them off by benchmarking them. When you benchmark someone, it makes the new person’s assets look menial and the flaws magnified. What if they actually have a perfect balance of what you need?

Just give an honest chance! There is nothing to lose, but everything to gain. We all study from the time we remember that the heart is a muscular organ, then why do we fear heartbreaks? The heart is too strong to really break.

Conclusion: Make an effort to understand this person. They might have the world to give you. And if not, it will still be worth the experience.

The benchmarkee story:

You know that you are the benchmarkee when you feel that everything is perfect, but something is still hindering the next step. It is no fun being check listed against a standard benchmark. It can be frustrating and demeaning.

You go on dates, which are sometimes initiated by the benchmarker, but feel like the other person is not at all interested. This is when thoughts like these occur: “Was it a bad breakup?” and, “Are they still hung up in the past?” or, “Will I ever get a chance?”

All hell breaks loose when the benchmarker accepts that they had a breakup. What follows in the benchmarkee’s mind is whether you can ever be that person for them, and if yes, what you have to do to make it happen. 

It is easy to cut the noose and see how the benchmarker reacts. Truth be said, they might come back or not. It is good to be prepared for anything. If they show any interest whatsoever, pursue it; else let it go down the drain. You don’t want to date a morose moron. And if you do pursue, break every ground rule. Be yourself and let them change the benchmarks to tailor fit you, or let them realize the higher truth – that all individuals are different.

Conclusion: Give an honest chance. Don’t compete and don’t go overboard. They just might not be worth the pain!