Familiar Endings:

How long can one continue hurting people after knowing how much damage they cause every time? I have no answers but this question popped up into my life after seeing a lot of people near and dear suffer in my love. What kind of love punishes the other person? Is this any love at all? Parents, friends and the closest of people have all suffered the same fate. Why? Is it the continuous reminder of being a failure from people who never loved me or is it the inability to believe in true happiness? Empty canvas I said, but was I willing to accept life as it came? Was I willing to fight to make the things I love happen?

The answer is simple. No! I thought I was stronger now but I just realised how weak I have become in the search for myself. I never worried about who I was, what I wanted from life...but this time I wanted answers and that make me absorb opinions about me. If I were the old me, I would have smirked and walked off but now when the quest for myself continues, every insult, every person who has ever known me matters to me. What people have understood or known about me matters! And all I hear is negativity. There was one person amidst all this who wanted me to be brave and positive about myself, but I failed to keep even that person close!

I got caught in my own web of self-accusations that what that person kept spelling out to me did not matter anymore. I was supposed to give my all to at least that relationship but I didn't. Friends come, some stay and some go away but this one continued to hang on no matter what happened in my head and in my life. Society hurled insults, family pointed fingers but I stood through it all. I was just unable to stand through my own insecurities. Is it so difficult to trust some one with all one has got? Do I owe it to my past or do I owe it to all my fears of my future that I am unable to completely trust even the most trustworthy and honest of people?

Is it sane to be so scared of losing something that pushing it away farther and farther everyday is the first solution that comes to my mind? People cling on to what they love, I just push it away sooner. Who taught me to love like this? When I work so hard to take 10 steps to open up, the moment I realise that I am getting too attached and can end up becoming too emotionally dependent, I take 100 steps back. Do I really like being in pain? No! I think the pain caused by myself is less than the pain that might be caused when the person walks out later. I have never been anywhere where I have been happier and more secure when compared to where I am today...and yet I ruin it all. Yet I have ruined it all. There is no turning back now! Life will go on....and so will the pain!