A bad Valentine

She waited for me all day, and did not see me once.

I asked her in a card, the previous night, if she could be my valentine. She kissed me cheeks and said yes.  But, all I did was break her heart.

She was not a lover, she was not a friend, she was a sister that I begged the angels to send. We had only spent six months with each other, but I loved her with everything I had. The only problem was that she loved me as well.

I told her I needed her help with my thesis, I told her I'd meet her for dinner or tea, but what I really did was far from what she could see. I was sleepless the previous night, and so I was groggy. I forgot that I had a job to do all morning. I could have told her not to wait for me, but I didn't. I assumed she was not going to change her plans for me. I went for an interview, I attended a lecture, but at the end of all this I was more hungry that ever. I stepped out for some dinner with a friend from school, I thought my Valentine, was going to be okay and cool. 

As I stepped out of the campus, and heard some Indian music. My friend pointed out to a group of undergrads dancing. I was so excited. Finally some Indianess in my life. I had lost so many chances to enjoy Desi nights --because of a schoolmate who was well known for fickleness. I watched the dancers perform with my mouth wide open, it felt like school Independence Days all over again. My friend and I did some Bhangra as well, shook a little leg from below the dancers. I was in awe! I made up my mind that I was going to send my children to the states for their undergraduate studies, they really needed to learn to have fun. 

My battery died when I stepped out of school. The next thing I knew was that I was in a huge auditorium, competing with my friend in an obstacle race, climbing up a wall, and sliding down the same. "Yay! I won," I thought, but what I did not know was that I was losing what was more precious to me -- my Valentine.

The enemy was assumption. I assumed that it was a normal day for her, when she slept very late, and continued  to have fun. I also assumed that she would not change her plans just because I wanted her for something. Two wrong assumptions that ruined my day. 

After a good dinner, I walked back home alone, only to realize that I had promised her that I would clean the bathroom. I did not want to stress after a relaxing conversation over tea, so I finished the bathroom cleaning, before my tea. When I was excited to tell her about everything that had happened in the last 15 hours, I saw a message saying that she had waited long enough. 

I didn't want to stop her from falling asleep, so I replied with a smile and said, "Go to sleep." I still did not know that I had lost my Valentine, to the one thing that can kill any relationship -- assumption was the devil . I was a bad Valentine. 

When I woke up, I saw her in the kitchen. In her eyes, I saw anger frustration and mistrust. She compared me to someone I never wanted to be -- the schoolmate who stood me up many times over. I despised myself, but I also felt sad. I wished I could do something to make it up. I continued to sip my morning tea, hoping that this was not the end. An end to a beautiful relationship and a loving friend. I realized that when my boyfriends fought with me, I left them to writhe in pain, but to this one woman, I could do nothing like that. 

I started writing this post, so I could think clearly about what I should do. She made me change last week, and after that I've kept my room clean. I knew I would do anything in my power -- to keep her happy and to win her over.

But, all I needed to do was to wait a little longer. 

I got a message that said she was angry but that was last night, not now, and that the clean bathroom compensated for part of it. I think my face reminded her about how hurt she was, which was why she compared me to a wretch I knew. I was hurt, but I would still do everything I could, to keep this relationship, alive, happy and good. 

Valentine's Day was gone, but my Valentine wasn't! 

The Gynosadist

Last year, I was single, clueless about my life, going through a rough breakup, and waiting for my Mr. Perfect. Today I have everything I ever wanted right in front of me, but still I cannot comprehend how the other person has moved on.

Is this just one of the seven sins, greed, or is it something more? Sadism.

When he called me, I was nervous, and didn’t know how to tell him that I was ready to get married and settle down, but it turned out that his voice was so excited, that with my 6 years’ experience with him I noticed was something big.

I said, “What’s up. You sound excited!”

He said, “I am so crazy about someone, that I can’t get her out of my head.”

I smiled sarcastically, finding the line cheesy and familiar from our previous conversations, and said, “ Hmmm and?”

He said, “She has a boyfriend! God why do I always get myself in this mess?”

This is where my smile vanished from my lips. I knew that this was not one more ‘I-cannot-get-over-you’ kind of conversation. I felt bad. A mixture of surprise, possessiveness and disbelief came over me. Exactly in that order.

I had heard of ex boyfriends fall in love, get married, have kids too, but this one was just not the ordinary ex boyfriend. He was someone I had spent many years –a significantly large chunk of my life—with.

After a long silence, which he obviously deciphered, I said, “Wow! I will be getting married soon too. Nice. Both of us have moved on after all.” I knew it was the sadism that drove those words out of my mouth. I felt disgusting. I was happy in my world, but I was still uncomfortable with someone, who I threw out of my life, moving on.

Are all women this greedy? I hope not. The problem was in me. I was so hurt in the previous relationship that I think I wanted him to writhe in pain, regretting the fact that he let me go. I had accomplished that a long time ago.

“I might meet a million women, but I wake up everyday cursing myself for being a jerk and letting the most precious thing in my life go,” he said. But what made me even happier – and sadistically gratified – was when he said, “Whoever the b****d [obscenity] is, I know he is one lucky m****f***er [obscenity] and I would kill to have what he has.”

I knew it was time to put the phone down, and I did. Except, this time with hopes that he found that special someone, and lived happily with her.