Unconditional love is a very simple concept that we most often convolute in our heads to defend ourselves from our biggest fears - to be exposed and vulnerable. I decided today that I will mend all broken relationships, apologize to everybody I hurt and love unconditionally. This is only a little different from the past - it is egoless. The EGO is warrior in our soul, it fights when it senses destruction and at times when it senses no threat, it fears that the other person is conspiring and lurking in the dark to attack and starts the battle. There is no battle today and there will be no battle tomorrow if there are no expectations. I promised myself that I will accept with expecting and in the last two days I feel no pain, no fear, no apprehensions and no doubts. This is the life I always wanted.
I feel only love and nothing negative. I know the least that I can expect in any relationship and I expect nothing more. Be it parents, who will care for me or friends who will immortalize me by make lasting memories with me or a husband who can love me or a sibling who can worry for me when I communicate pain, I know what I will get and I expect no more. Any additional attribute or emotion that each one of these relationships bring will bring an additional smile on my lips. I know there is so much love in the world - to give and to take. I promised myself that I will love without thinking about hurt and circumstances. Why worry about today and deprive myself and others of the love we deserve? I have a chance to make a difference and I will be the difference.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Familiar Endings:
How long can one continue hurting people after knowing how much damage they cause every time? I have no answers but this question popped up into my life after seeing a lot of people near and dear suffer in my love. What kind of love punishes the other person? Is this any love at all? Parents, friends and the closest of people have all suffered the same fate. Why? Is it the continuous reminder of being a failure from people who never loved me or is it the inability to believe in true happiness? Empty canvas I said, but was I willing to accept life as it came? Was I willing to fight to make the things I love happen?
The answer is simple. No! I thought I was stronger now but I just realised how weak I have become in the search for myself. I never worried about who I was, what I wanted from life...but this time I wanted answers and that make me absorb opinions about me. If I were the old me, I would have smirked and walked off but now when the quest for myself continues, every insult, every person who has ever known me matters to me. What people have understood or known about me matters! And all I hear is negativity. There was one person amidst all this who wanted me to be brave and positive about myself, but I failed to keep even that person close!
I got caught in my own web of self-accusations that what that person kept spelling out to me did not matter anymore. I was supposed to give my all to at least that relationship but I didn't. Friends come, some stay and some go away but this one continued to hang on no matter what happened in my head and in my life. Society hurled insults, family pointed fingers but I stood through it all. I was just unable to stand through my own insecurities. Is it so difficult to trust some one with all one has got? Do I owe it to my past or do I owe it to all my fears of my future that I am unable to completely trust even the most trustworthy and honest of people?
Is it sane to be so scared of losing something that pushing it away farther and farther everyday is the first solution that comes to my mind? People cling on to what they love, I just push it away sooner. Who taught me to love like this? When I work so hard to take 10 steps to open up, the moment I realise that I am getting too attached and can end up becoming too emotionally dependent, I take 100 steps back. Do I really like being in pain? No! I think the pain caused by myself is less than the pain that might be caused when the person walks out later. I have never been anywhere where I have been happier and more secure when compared to where I am today...and yet I ruin it all. Yet I have ruined it all. There is no turning back now! Life will go on....and so will the pain!
The answer is simple. No! I thought I was stronger now but I just realised how weak I have become in the search for myself. I never worried about who I was, what I wanted from life...but this time I wanted answers and that make me absorb opinions about me. If I were the old me, I would have smirked and walked off but now when the quest for myself continues, every insult, every person who has ever known me matters to me. What people have understood or known about me matters! And all I hear is negativity. There was one person amidst all this who wanted me to be brave and positive about myself, but I failed to keep even that person close!
I got caught in my own web of self-accusations that what that person kept spelling out to me did not matter anymore. I was supposed to give my all to at least that relationship but I didn't. Friends come, some stay and some go away but this one continued to hang on no matter what happened in my head and in my life. Society hurled insults, family pointed fingers but I stood through it all. I was just unable to stand through my own insecurities. Is it so difficult to trust some one with all one has got? Do I owe it to my past or do I owe it to all my fears of my future that I am unable to completely trust even the most trustworthy and honest of people?
Is it sane to be so scared of losing something that pushing it away farther and farther everyday is the first solution that comes to my mind? People cling on to what they love, I just push it away sooner. Who taught me to love like this? When I work so hard to take 10 steps to open up, the moment I realise that I am getting too attached and can end up becoming too emotionally dependent, I take 100 steps back. Do I really like being in pain? No! I think the pain caused by myself is less than the pain that might be caused when the person walks out later. I have never been anywhere where I have been happier and more secure when compared to where I am today...and yet I ruin it all. Yet I have ruined it all. There is no turning back now! Life will go on....and so will the pain!
Friday, January 21, 2011
New Beginnings:
How many times does life actually give people an opportunity to start afresh? I got my second chance! Today I feel tonnes lighter. The weight of responsibilities and commitments are all off my chest. This time I am walking right into the doors of fate. Leaving this place (though for a short while) already sends a gust of fresh air into my lungs. Destiny is my only friend. He brought me to where I am and now I am blindly walking into his territory.
The joy that an artist gets when an empty canvas is laid down in front of him is exactly what I feel now! This is my life, my masterpiece and I have all the rights to put in all the elements I always thought I wanted to have. Love, friendships, ties and myself! I'm walking around with my palette filled with the colours of past learnings. This time I know I'm throwing away nothing that I have picked up from the past.
The excitement that a hitchhiker get when he finds that his journey is going to be way better with a companion made while treading rough terrains. What more? Forge new friendships, build new relationships and find love again. Unknown lands, unknown faces and unknown emotions...all waiting to be unleashed. I know I will look into my companions eyes and believe that the journey to the future is a journey worthwhile!
I feel like so many different things right now that I feel insane in happiness. I prayed hard to god above, for a second chance in life...not only to rectify my mistakes but also to relive the entire thing! So much to hope for and so much to fight for, but I am not going to lose faith in myself nor destiny. I will be all the things I always wanted to, one by one but I would have done it all. Being the apprehensive artist who is waiting to paint on his fresh page or a traveller who yearns for new unexplored territories and unspoken emotions.
The joy that an artist gets when an empty canvas is laid down in front of him is exactly what I feel now! This is my life, my masterpiece and I have all the rights to put in all the elements I always thought I wanted to have. Love, friendships, ties and myself! I'm walking around with my palette filled with the colours of past learnings. This time I know I'm throwing away nothing that I have picked up from the past.
The excitement that a hitchhiker get when he finds that his journey is going to be way better with a companion made while treading rough terrains. What more? Forge new friendships, build new relationships and find love again. Unknown lands, unknown faces and unknown emotions...all waiting to be unleashed. I know I will look into my companions eyes and believe that the journey to the future is a journey worthwhile!
I feel like so many different things right now that I feel insane in happiness. I prayed hard to god above, for a second chance in life...not only to rectify my mistakes but also to relive the entire thing! So much to hope for and so much to fight for, but I am not going to lose faith in myself nor destiny. I will be all the things I always wanted to, one by one but I would have done it all. Being the apprehensive artist who is waiting to paint on his fresh page or a traveller who yearns for new unexplored territories and unspoken emotions.
Monday, December 20, 2010
My SOP: My Sob Story
Were people who thought of a masters after a bachelors degree insane? Or was each applicant just a marketing & sales person?
The requisite of a Statement Of Purpose made me think they were.I chose to believe that every application went with a two page story that the applicant wanted the board to believe. The day I picked up my checklist to see how far I was with my application process, was when it struck me hard. It was missing an SOP.
What the fish was an SOP? An essay that elaborated an objective merged with an essay about life. I realised then that I was not a Marketing & Sales person after all. Though by profession I was, I chose not to sell myself. When my company launched products, it was easy to sell because I was never affected directly by comments that people passed on it. But when I tried to sell myself into a two page word document, I felt lost for words.
I knew I was good at what I did and I knew that nobody who knew me as a person would have second thoughts about giving me an admit card, but the problem was to let them know in 2d paper! I could not boast and I could not lie. Why couldn't I just say that "I don't know what I don't know and I would love to know stuff"? NO! They would never accept it....for only those who have been enlightened are worthy of more education and those who have not the spark can rot in the well! :)
I struggled all night to put a piece together. A humble copy that underwent many many iterations...by friends, family and colleagues. After insults, suggestion, criticism and plain snubs,what came out was not me! I knew it and I am sure the board would know too. If the board knew that not even one SOP was worth being called a "Definition Of the Person", why do they insist?
When I become somebody with some power I will make sure the education system is fair. Students will not be judged based on SOP's...they will be judged by what they are and what they want to know. But that is later....I still have to submit mine! A mixture of my sob story and my inspirations. Hate it!
The requisite of a Statement Of Purpose made me think they were.I chose to believe that every application went with a two page story that the applicant wanted the board to believe. The day I picked up my checklist to see how far I was with my application process, was when it struck me hard. It was missing an SOP.
What the fish was an SOP? An essay that elaborated an objective merged with an essay about life. I realised then that I was not a Marketing & Sales person after all. Though by profession I was, I chose not to sell myself. When my company launched products, it was easy to sell because I was never affected directly by comments that people passed on it. But when I tried to sell myself into a two page word document, I felt lost for words.
I knew I was good at what I did and I knew that nobody who knew me as a person would have second thoughts about giving me an admit card, but the problem was to let them know in 2d paper! I could not boast and I could not lie. Why couldn't I just say that "I don't know what I don't know and I would love to know stuff"? NO! They would never accept it....for only those who have been enlightened are worthy of more education and those who have not the spark can rot in the well! :)
I struggled all night to put a piece together. A humble copy that underwent many many iterations...by friends, family and colleagues. After insults, suggestion, criticism and plain snubs,what came out was not me! I knew it and I am sure the board would know too. If the board knew that not even one SOP was worth being called a "Definition Of the Person", why do they insist?
When I become somebody with some power I will make sure the education system is fair. Students will not be judged based on SOP's...they will be judged by what they are and what they want to know. But that is later....I still have to submit mine! A mixture of my sob story and my inspirations. Hate it!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Death: Two Much
It is the third death anniversary of a lady I love still. A woman whose house I literally grew up in. My neighbour. Chella Rajendran. When I was 3years old I used to go to her house to get curd and drink it all up by the time I reached the last step leading to my house. Her daughter, Rajila(12years older than I was) was my only friend till I met Fazeela in 11th standard. I was Chella Auntys second daughter over the 15 years I knew her.
I shifted my house and things changed. We met so rarely and I had moved on to a new life. The two years in my new house were so eventful that I overlooked the fact that she had cancer. The next time I saw her was on Dec 16th, 2007. In an ice box. My heart bled so much that I kept wailing. Even more than her own daughter. My heart still bleeds thinking that I wasted 2 years of my life caught in my own web. But no point crying over spilled milk.
Today I heard about another death. A death that affected me in two ways. One because of my (girl)friend, who was crying uncontrollably for her lost moral support. Two because of my (boy)friend who was dying to come back to India from the UK for his lost role model. I was lost! I wanted to be in two places NOW.
Both of them were filled with so much negativity that scared me from the inside. Thoughts like "What if I die?", "What if something happens to my parents?" and "Is all this fame , money worth it?". I was going mad. How was I to explain to someone that only the body dies...there is still the soul that stays on and LIVES. Something that is felt. I can still feel the presence of all the people who have left my life...irrespective of if they are alive.
Basically, I hate December 16th.
I shifted my house and things changed. We met so rarely and I had moved on to a new life. The two years in my new house were so eventful that I overlooked the fact that she had cancer. The next time I saw her was on Dec 16th, 2007. In an ice box. My heart bled so much that I kept wailing. Even more than her own daughter. My heart still bleeds thinking that I wasted 2 years of my life caught in my own web. But no point crying over spilled milk.
Today I heard about another death. A death that affected me in two ways. One because of my (girl)friend, who was crying uncontrollably for her lost moral support. Two because of my (boy)friend who was dying to come back to India from the UK for his lost role model. I was lost! I wanted to be in two places NOW.
Both of them were filled with so much negativity that scared me from the inside. Thoughts like "What if I die?", "What if something happens to my parents?" and "Is all this fame , money worth it?". I was going mad. How was I to explain to someone that only the body dies...there is still the soul that stays on and LIVES. Something that is felt. I can still feel the presence of all the people who have left my life...irrespective of if they are alive.
Basically, I hate December 16th.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
B R E A K S
Everybody around me tells me how important breaks are. I know breaks between movies and I know breaks between lectures, but breaks in relationships are the most ridiculous things ever! I accept that when something gets too boring, breaks are necessary. But why bring time spaces between something that is completely at its best?
This beats me!
Reasons for a break:
1. The relationship is too boring and seems never ending. Breaks are a good way to break up I guess! :P
2. The relationship is at such a high that thinking space is necessary to go further. Good way to stick ones head on to their shoulders!
Whatever the reason maybe to take a break, the biggest challenge begins when the rule of "No communication" is put on it. No texts, no mails, no calls....NO NOTHING!!! This is why I personally hate breaks.
You get used to something and BANG! everything changes. You pick up the phone each time it beeps hoping its the other person or just keep staring into infinite spaces in front of you hoping that suddenly you wake up and find out you just dozed off and it was a dream. But nope! it is hard biting reality alright.
When the break is too short, the time spent on getting used to the sudden absence of the person by itself consumes most of the "Think/Reflect on the relationship" time. Worst thing that can happen is when the break is a LITTLE too long and you get used to not being with the other person. OOSOOM theory!
Moral of the story: Check the length of the break to find out what the outcome is! :P If the person is interested in you, the break is short...else I'd suggest that you get a bucket of ice cream and start sulking over a lost relationship!
This beats me!
Reasons for a break:
1. The relationship is too boring and seems never ending. Breaks are a good way to break up I guess! :P
2. The relationship is at such a high that thinking space is necessary to go further. Good way to stick ones head on to their shoulders!
Whatever the reason maybe to take a break, the biggest challenge begins when the rule of "No communication" is put on it. No texts, no mails, no calls....NO NOTHING!!! This is why I personally hate breaks.
You get used to something and BANG! everything changes. You pick up the phone each time it beeps hoping its the other person or just keep staring into infinite spaces in front of you hoping that suddenly you wake up and find out you just dozed off and it was a dream. But nope! it is hard biting reality alright.
When the break is too short, the time spent on getting used to the sudden absence of the person by itself consumes most of the "Think/Reflect on the relationship" time. Worst thing that can happen is when the break is a LITTLE too long and you get used to not being with the other person. OOSOOM theory!
Moral of the story: Check the length of the break to find out what the outcome is! :P If the person is interested in you, the break is short...else I'd suggest that you get a bucket of ice cream and start sulking over a lost relationship!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Phantoms Of The Night:
One bright day was filled with all the love in the world...
The warmth of hugs and the sensation of kisses...
Everything had to end before it got too late...
The phantoms would rise from the dead of the night...
Our paths were entwined and thats how we met...
Same place, same time and same situations has befallen us...
But we had to part else it would be a mess...
A mess we could not sort even if we stood up and fought...
Fate played lady luck and our paths converged...
Same place, same time and same situations again...
But this time it was be dark and the night had fallen...
Happiness lay in each other but the night called us in..
Into the bottomless pit where it had nothing but grim...
Love had its way but this was not it...
Everything was perfect but yet nothing was right...
None of us had the strength enough to fight...
Slowly we gave up and let the phantoms gobble us up...
Little did we know that the phantoms had our bodies but could not get to our souls...
The souls had made it back to the happy days...
Maybe it flew towards another parallel world's way...
Where love could reunite and nothing else was said...
Where kisses were a million and the vows were made...
The souls remain married but the bodies still bled..
The phantoms had them somewhere from where no one fled...
The bodies would die and be born again...
This time into a world where they had nothing else but to gain....
From each others love in their little cove....
Fate had kept her promise and so did they...
A love never forgotten will surely reunite...
This is my story of phantoms and love....
Be it night or day...
Be strong anyway!!!
The warmth of hugs and the sensation of kisses...
Everything had to end before it got too late...
The phantoms would rise from the dead of the night...
Our paths were entwined and thats how we met...
Same place, same time and same situations has befallen us...
But we had to part else it would be a mess...
A mess we could not sort even if we stood up and fought...
Fate played lady luck and our paths converged...
Same place, same time and same situations again...
But this time it was be dark and the night had fallen...
Happiness lay in each other but the night called us in..
Into the bottomless pit where it had nothing but grim...
Love had its way but this was not it...
Everything was perfect but yet nothing was right...
None of us had the strength enough to fight...
Slowly we gave up and let the phantoms gobble us up...
Little did we know that the phantoms had our bodies but could not get to our souls...
The souls had made it back to the happy days...
Maybe it flew towards another parallel world's way...
Where love could reunite and nothing else was said...
Where kisses were a million and the vows were made...
The souls remain married but the bodies still bled..
The phantoms had them somewhere from where no one fled...
The bodies would die and be born again...
This time into a world where they had nothing else but to gain....
From each others love in their little cove....
Fate had kept her promise and so did they...
A love never forgotten will surely reunite...
This is my story of phantoms and love....
Be it night or day...
Be strong anyway!!!
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