New Beginnings:

How many times does life actually give people an opportunity to start afresh? I got my second chance! Today I feel tonnes lighter. The weight of responsibilities and commitments are all off my chest. This time I am walking right into the doors of fate. Leaving this place (though for a short while) already sends a gust of fresh air into my lungs. Destiny is my only friend. He brought me to where I am and now I am blindly walking into his territory.


The joy that an artist gets when an empty canvas is laid down in front of him is exactly what I feel now! This is my life, my masterpiece and I have all the rights to put in all the elements I always thought I wanted to have. Love, friendships, ties and myself! I'm walking around with my palette filled with the colours of past learnings. This time I know I'm throwing away nothing that I have picked up from the past.



The excitement that a hitchhiker get when he finds that his journey is going to be way better with a companion made while treading rough terrains. What more? Forge new friendships, build new relationships and find love again. Unknown lands, unknown faces and unknown emotions...all waiting to be unleashed. I know I will look into my companions eyes and believe that the journey to the future is a journey worthwhile!



I feel like so many different things right now that I feel insane in happiness. I prayed hard to god above, for a second chance in life...not only to rectify my mistakes but also to relive the entire thing! So much to hope for and so much to fight for, but I am not going to lose faith in myself nor destiny. I will be all the things I always wanted to, one by one but I would have done it all. Being the apprehensive artist who is waiting to paint on his fresh page or a traveller who yearns for new unexplored territories and unspoken emotions.

My SOP: My Sob Story

Were people who thought of a masters after a bachelors degree insane? Or was each applicant just a marketing & sales person?

The requisite of a Statement Of Purpose made me think they were.I chose to believe that every application went with a two page story that the applicant wanted the board to believe. The day I picked up my checklist to see how far I was with my application process, was when it struck me hard. It was missing an SOP.

What the fish was an SOP? An essay that elaborated an objective merged with an essay about life. I realised then that I was not a Marketing & Sales person after all. Though by profession I was, I chose not to sell myself. When my company launched products, it was easy to sell because I was never affected directly by comments that people passed on it. But when I tried to sell myself into a two page word document, I felt lost for words.

I knew I was good at what I did and I knew that nobody who knew me as a person would have second thoughts about giving me an admit card, but the problem was to let them know in 2d paper! I could not boast and I could not lie. Why couldn't I just say that "I don't know what I don't know and I would love to know stuff"? NO! They would never accept it....for only those who have been enlightened are worthy of more education and those who have not the spark can rot in the well! :)

I struggled all night to put a piece together. A humble copy that underwent many many iterations...by friends, family and colleagues. After insults, suggestion, criticism and plain snubs,what came out was not me! I knew it and I am sure the board would know too. If the board knew that not even one SOP was worth being called a "Definition Of the Person", why do they insist?

When I become somebody with some power I will make sure the education system is fair. Students will not be judged based on SOP's...they will be judged by what they are and what they want to know. But that is later....I still have to submit mine! A mixture of my sob story and my inspirations. Hate it!

Death: Two Much

It is the third death anniversary of a lady I love still. A woman whose house I literally grew up in. My neighbour. Chella Rajendran. When I was 3years old I used to go to her house to get curd and drink it all up by the time I reached the last step leading to my house. Her daughter, Rajila(12years older than I was) was my only friend till I met Fazeela in 11th standard. I was Chella Auntys second daughter over the 15 years I knew her.

I shifted my house and things changed. We met so rarely and I had moved on to a new life. The two years in my new house were so eventful that I overlooked the fact that she had cancer. The next time I saw her was on Dec 16th, 2007. In an ice box. My heart bled so much that I kept wailing. Even more than her own daughter. My heart still bleeds thinking that I wasted 2 years of my life caught in my own web. But no point crying over spilled milk.

Today I heard about another death. A death that affected me in two ways. One because of my (girl)friend, who was crying uncontrollably for her lost moral support. Two because of my (boy)friend who was dying to come back to India from the UK for his lost role model. I was lost! I wanted to be in two places NOW.

Both of them were filled with so much negativity that scared me from the inside. Thoughts like "What if I die?", "What if something happens to my parents?" and "Is all this fame , money worth it?". I was going mad. How was I to explain to someone that only the body dies...there is still the soul that stays on and LIVES. Something that is felt. I can still feel the presence of all the people who have left my life...irrespective of if they are alive.

Basically, I hate December 16th.

B R E A K S

Everybody around me tells me how important breaks are. I know breaks between movies and I know breaks between lectures, but breaks in relationships are the most ridiculous things ever! I accept that when something gets too boring, breaks are necessary. But why bring time spaces between something that is completely at its best?

This beats me!

Reasons for a break:
1. The relationship is too boring and seems never ending. Breaks are a good way to break up I guess! :P
2. The relationship is at such a high that thinking space is necessary to go further. Good way to stick ones head on to their shoulders!

Whatever the reason maybe to take a break, the biggest challenge begins when the rule of "No communication" is put on it. No texts, no mails, no calls....NO NOTHING!!! This is why I personally hate breaks.

You get used to something and BANG! everything changes. You pick up the phone each time it beeps hoping its the other person or just keep staring into infinite spaces in front of you hoping that suddenly you wake up and find out you just dozed off and it was a dream. But nope! it is hard biting reality alright.

When the break is too short, the time spent on getting used to the sudden absence of the person by itself consumes most of the "Think/Reflect on the relationship" time. Worst thing that can happen is when the break is a LITTLE too long and you get used to not being with the other person. OOSOOM theory!

Moral of the story: Check the length of the break to find out what the outcome is! :P If the person is interested in you, the break is short...else I'd suggest that you get a bucket of ice cream and start sulking over a lost relationship!

Phantoms Of The Night:

One bright day was filled with all the love in the world...
The warmth of hugs and the sensation of kisses...
Everything had to end before it got too late...
The phantoms would rise from the dead of the night...
Our paths were entwined and thats how we met...
Same place, same time and same situations has befallen us...
But we had to part else it would be a mess...
A mess we could not sort even if we stood up and fought...
Fate played lady luck and our paths converged...
Same place, same time and same situations again...
But this time it was be dark and the night had fallen...
Happiness lay in each other but the night called us in..
Into the bottomless pit where it had nothing but grim...
Love had its way but this was not it...
Everything was perfect but yet nothing was right...
None of us had the strength enough to fight...
Slowly we gave up and let the phantoms gobble us up...
Little did we know that the phantoms had our bodies but could not get to our souls...
The souls had made it back to the happy days...
Maybe it flew towards another parallel world's way...
Where love could reunite and nothing else was said...
Where kisses were a million and the vows were made...
The souls remain married but the bodies still bled..
The phantoms had them somewhere from where no one fled...
The bodies would die and be born again...
This time into a world where they had nothing else but to gain....
From each others love in their little cove....
Fate had kept her promise and so did they...
A love never forgotten will surely reunite...
This is my story of phantoms and love....
Be it night or day...
Be strong anyway!!!

Connection: This life or the last?

Ever wondered why sometimes we meet people who seem so familiar that you instantly gel? I believe in karma and past lives. And what happened to me this weekend only made all my beliefs stronger. This weekend was a whole three day wedding affair. My best friend was getting married and I did not foresee how somethings were going to change my life as well.

For the first time I felt completely at home. None of the people at the brides house seemed strangers to me. It was like a dream and everyone there seemed to be a vivid part of my subconscious brain. Thanks to this, I felt reality was more hazy than usual. All this was nothing. The presence of one particular person there made complete sense to me. Though we hadn't ever met, I felt like we knew each other for ages...or maybe lifetimes!

Was this possible? I didn't need much of an introduction to actually start feeling comfortable with him. Any body can misinterpret what I am saying right now...but it was just perfect! Too perfect to be true. For heavens sake I didn't even know his second name. We looked out for each other, we spoke petty things, we insulted each other as though it was our birth right but we didn't realise that we were reliving something that might have been something in the past. A friendship or a relationship I don't know what!

I choose to turn off my logical brain and enjoy this beautiful feeling. There was not a single doubt nor an iota of insecurity in my body for me to not let my defenses down. I looked at him with eyes of familiarity and I was sure he understood something too. Nobody could possibly release themselves from these chains of security and perfect understanding. The reason why I am trying to make it sound so negative is because it was so powerful and overwhelming that anyone would succumb to it! I felt so special around him that I forgot I belonged to another family to whom I must return! (On reading this for the second time...it sounds weird but I think only he will understand)

We had our own life and our own commitments but this was so different. A connection made for no reason. A bond beyond rationalising. We didn't speak much after the last meeting but I am not built to contain emotions inside myself and have to express it to live in peace. I picked up my phone and messaged his mom(Whom I love more:P ). Destiny or coincidence I will let you decide but he replied! I was jumping around like a crazy woman and then it started....

We realised over the next many hours of non stop texting that all the speculations I made about us, he made them too! Nothing is better than missing someone so bad (Why should I miss someone I just met? Now you understand why I threw logic out before I started writing this blog) and realising that they missed you too! We texted all night as though there was no tomorrow and with both our guards down completely. From an acquaintance I hardly knew about, he got promoted to one of the most important people in my life!

They say the first few days of a knew relationship is when people talk the most...but ours was different. We knew this was not our first meeting! At least it didn't seem to me like it was! This life or the last one I don't know but I knew him really well. I am sure we will just not ever get fed up of each other. I managed to forge a new relationship that made my life complete! Why will I let life go back to being incomplete!?

Stereotypes: Imaginary Or Real?

There was a session at my workplace on stereotypes and similarities. What the hell I thought! Is it real that we meet people in life who are similar to other people from our past? I didn't want to believe that nobody was unique. He spoke about how there are a maximum of 150 stereotypes that an average man has seen in his life. That was spoken on Friday and obvious fact is that the thinker in me had a whole weekend to think about how many stereotypes I had met in my life. Alas! I was shocked.

I made a conclusion. The conclusion is that there is no minimum or maximum number of stereotypes in the world. It was just equal to the number of people we knew really well. People included in that list are family(closest ones: parents and siblings), best of friends, worst of enemies and miscellaneous(every person who had touched your life in ways you never knew)! Voila! I had my list of people stereotypes.

Is there any human being who has lived a life without making the statement “Gosh! You are so similar to another person I know/knew”? I am sure it is impossible to have not drawn similarities. It is the amusing function of the brain to connect unconnected dots. I think I also understood why the brain does that. Known devil is better than unknown angel.

They say that the most complex(a.k.a intelligent) of people and the most complicated of organisms are shy creatures. Hence the introvert brain(I don't know which side of MY BRAIN is an introvert!! Exceptions exist I guess!) in man does not want to relive a torment similar to the first day of school. What about First Day at school? Too many people equals too many new faces equals Stereotype Sample Generation- First Cut.

After a certain number of years the social side of the brain turns off and enters into Introvert Mode and starts mapping people to older stereotypes. This makes interaction with the new faces much more at ease because something tries fooling the brain(I am not a doctor but it is the soothing hormone. Natural pacifier! Docs please comment! :P) saying it is a familiar breed(already identified group) of people.

Once we place people in their respective segments, we start judging and predicting their behaviour. Or should I say we hope that what we predict from past experiences only happens and hope that we are not rudely surprised. In my life I have about 20 types of people I have met. To facilitate recognition first thing I do, I ask for birthdays. Zodiacs!

There are just 12 zodiacs but they help in placing people under s broader classification of people. Apart from all these categories, when I bump into another similar being of some category, I realise that they follow a similar pattern in perception to some emotions, attitude and appearances and the most important is that their family environment and choice of parters is also similar!

After pondering about all this over the weekend, I feel like I am the 18 year old me sitting amidst the many people who touched my life in different ways. I hope I don't do anything stupid like running and hugging them or something similar! If changes and differences are inevitable...is similarity escapable? It depends on how much you miss/like the person you associate the others to!!